Nine awful cars we like anyway
There are some cars that we like even when we know we shouldn’t. It’s confusing. There’s a flicker of shame associated with our affection and yet there’s no extinguishing the way we feel. Yes, we’re still talking about cars. So here they are. A selection of cars that we shouldn’t like, but do, with explanations of why we do and why we shouldn’t.
MG SV
The MG SV is a pretty shocking thing, isn’t it? The ailing MG/Rover really thought 2003 was a good time to buy out Qvale – an unproven Italian supercar marque – and out-TVR TVR. Kit car quality, barn-door American power (with an optional fictitious nitrous kit) and weird styling with lighting borrowed from Fiat should have damned the SV. Yet there’s a charm to it. Of course, all of what we mentioned in addition to the whirlwind of poor management that was MG/Rover at the time did damn the SV and the expense of the project went some way to damn the company. But still, we can’t help but have a place in our hearts for what was an almost insultingly audacious beast.
Proton Satria Neo
Why, prey tell, have we got a soft spot for a car that scored all of one star out of five from Auto Express, and two stars out of five from Autocar? The Satria Neo is by most objective measures, a pretty shocking motorcar. But look at it. Isn’t that actually one of the nicest-looking little hatchbacks you’ve ever seen? That neat snout, those bulbous arches, the sporty rear complete with central-exit exhaust. Needless to say, Proton were milking the Lotus connection at the time, getting the Hethel marque to cast its eye over the engine and chassis, while garnishing the Satria Neo with that cool exterior and some sporty bits on the inside. It’s a car when you first see it that you just pray isn’t terrible, and isn’t a Proton. Sadly, both are the case. It’s no wonder they’re so rare, though we’d double take if we saw one.
BMW X7
There should be nothing but shame about having anything resembling a liking for this big, gratuitous, wasteful, ostentatious SUV and yet, we admire its honesty. In a market of SUVs that are trying to be sporty, curvaceous and aerodynamic and in so doing, in the grand scheme of things, failing at all of them while also failing to be an actual SUV, the BMW X7 is refreshing in its boxiness. It’s under no illusion that it’s going to be an ultimate driving machine. It’s no pretender to some meaningless Nürburgring record, nor is it at any point in some fruitless battle with the laws of physics in a bid for speed and hooliganism. It’s just an honest-to-goodness big, practical, luxurious, comfortable truck. It sort of reminds us of the Land Cruiser, or the old Nissan Patrol, entirely owning the role it’s been put in this world to perform. No identity crisis, no ulterior motive. Don’t ask us to explain that without cracking a smile, mind.
Audi A2
The Audi A2 is a car that, in its advancing years, has really come into its own. It was thoroughly ahead of its time in the early 2000s and truthfully, in that era, a little bit dorky. Now in this era of conscientious motoring where we’re more appreciative of clever solutions and detailed engineering, the A2 is a revelation. With fuel prices the way they’ve been, even the proudest motor maniac wouldn’t sniff at a diesel A2’s 60-80mpg real-world consumption. With lightweight aerodynamic bodywork, it won’t rust away either. It’s still a bit dorky looking, mind…
Dodge Challenger Demon
Could there be more of an opposite to the economical and clever little A2 above? The Challenger Demon is almost pointless. Dress a 1990s Mercedes E-Class chassis up in pastiche muscle car frippery, give it 845PS (621kW) and send it off in a straight line… and nothing else. Yet for how shameful the utter single-mindedness is, it’s cool too. Air-conditioning to chill the air going into the engine, rather than your face? That’s, er, cool. It was the first production car with drag radials, with the option of a skinny front drag tyre. It was also the first production car with a trans brake and the first designed to run on 100+ octane fuel. Mercy…
Range Rover P38
Okay, back to the rot. The Range Rover P38 was bloody awful, wasn’t it? Mix Rover Group quality with a much more sophisticated and technical car and you get, famous unreliability and a production run that was more than three times shorter than its predecessor. Most didn’t even like the way the P38 looked… except me. For the time and for the trajectory the model was on, as a pretender to luxury car status, the P38 looked absolutely fantastic. It was lovely inside too, with lots of soft leather and a waterfall of buttons. It might have been half-baked but if you wafted through Mayfair in 1995 in one of these and got from one end to the other with no issue, you looked the part and had the luck of the devil.
Jaguar S-Type R
Okay, this will be a difficult one to sell. Our position is that the looks of the Jaguar S-Type – specifically the S-Type R – have aged quite well. Really look at one, preferably a nice late car in a good colour, and maybe you’ll see what we do. Regardless of the outsides, when driving, the S-Type R was a genuinely fun and luxurious super saloon, with over 400PS (294kW) of supercharged tyre-smoking V8 power and the reassuring comfort of a Jag to boot. Say what you want about the looks but, as a car to drive, these were underrated and undeservedly unloved.
Lada Riva
Us Westerners should look at the Lada Riva as a symbol of Communist failure. A Fiat 124 but built far worse, with far uglier looks that lived far too long. This thing was built from the late 1960s until 2012 for goodness sake. And yet… we love them. Rivas are a cult car on our side of the Iron Curtain, though present world events might make some owners a little more ashamed than usual to drive what they drive. Look up Lada Riva snow drifting on YouTube and tell us these little cars aren’t cool. Even as a symbol of oppression, in a police state, the Riva is a car and a car is an instrument of freedom. Solidarity!
Peugeot 206 GT
“What on Earth has that person done to that Peugeot 206” said the person who didn’t know that the 206 GT came like that from factory and looks the way it does to an end of homologating a rally car. It’s no GR Yaris though, is it… On top of looking fairly ridiculous, they weren’t exactly the essence of Peugeot Sport to drive either. Yet, given its purpose, we can’t help but hold the 206 GT dear to our hearts.
List
MG
SV
Protom
Satria Neo
BMW
X7
Audi
A2
Dodge
Challenger
Demon
Range Rover
P38
Jaguar
S-Type
S-Type R
Lada
Riva
Peugeot
206 GT
206
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